ambivalence

merriam-webster defines ambivalence:

1) simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action

2)a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow

 

 

 

as i sit in my bedroom, the bedroom i’ve slept in for the past 10 years, in the house that i’ve lived in for 18 of my 23 years of age, I feel an ambivalence… a sense of wanting and not wanting to leave home.

I’m certain of my wish to leave, I’m a 100% sure of how much I love him and that things will turn out just fine for us… but at the same time, I fear leaving my mom and dad.

 

I’ll miss home, that’s for sure, but I’ve got to fly solo now…

 

It’s funny, I’m always saying that I’d love to live in another city/country for a while, but I’m having such a hard time leaving a kilometre away to an apartment in this city….  don’t tell anibody

 

xmas

I really do have everything I could ask for this year…

getting started

so… on Tuesday my dad called the construction company and they told him that if we wanted we could go visit the apartment by the next day and it would be already finished…

meaning: on Thursday we went up the 6 flights of stairs (they were installing the lift at that moment) to see our apartment for the first time  (me, boyfriend and my dad) and I feel in love instantly… the kitchen is gorgeous. The apartment is small (as any other 1 bedroom apartment is) but it’s distributed in the most comfortable way and it’s big enough for us and the dog (and cat that we may adopt once we’ve moved (can’t you just tell that i loveee parenthesis)). It’s got a nice view and great ventilation… I will post pictures once it starts looking like a real home

On Friday we were given the keys and Saturday was spent cleaning the walls (when they made the ceilings it spotted the kitchen and bathroom here and there) and Sunday was spent planning how we are going to build our own wardrobe

We still haven’t got electricity or gas… but electricity is installed in a few hours and gas I’m not really sure…

I’m exited… I love going every day and leaving new things there and I definitely love seeing my future come together before my eyes

new challenges

so… it’s been way too long since I’ve been here… I’ve logged into twitter once in a while, but not enough…

truth is, this year has been terribly sad for me… I’ve been all year waiting for the apartment to be finished and I just got it two days ago (which, YEYYYY but… also, a year worth of wasting my time) and my family situation has gone from bad to worst…

at this very moment, I couldn’t be happier, life has finally been nice to me… karma finally paid back for all the shitty things that happened

We’re moving right after New Year’s but in the meanwhile we are going most days to clean and get out doggie used to the new living situation… The apartment turned out to be gorgeous and the best part: rent free! My parents are giving us the chance to live there for free so that we can buy our own home with time. We are getting married, but we are not sure when yet.

I’m happy but I’ve been miserable this whole time…  but I’m stronger than ever before and that’s what matters

I don’t know what’s in store for me next, but I do know that I’ll get through whatever, with the love of my life by my side