ambivalence

merriam-webster defines ambivalence:

1) simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action

2)a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow

 

 

 

as i sit in my bedroom, the bedroom i’ve slept in for the past 10 years, in the house that i’ve lived in for 18 of my 23 years of age, I feel an ambivalence… a sense of wanting and not wanting to leave home.

I’m certain of my wish to leave, I’m a 100% sure of how much I love him and that things will turn out just fine for us… but at the same time, I fear leaving my mom and dad.

 

I’ll miss home, that’s for sure, but I’ve got to fly solo now…

 

It’s funny, I’m always saying that I’d love to live in another city/country for a while, but I’m having such a hard time leaving a kilometre away to an apartment in this city….  don’t tell anibody

 

xmas

I really do have everything I could ask for this year…

getting started

so… on Tuesday my dad called the construction company and they told him that if we wanted we could go visit the apartment by the next day and it would be already finished…

meaning: on Thursday we went up the 6 flights of stairs (they were installing the lift at that moment) to see our apartment for the first time  (me, boyfriend and my dad) and I feel in love instantly… the kitchen is gorgeous. The apartment is small (as any other 1 bedroom apartment is) but it’s distributed in the most comfortable way and it’s big enough for us and the dog (and cat that we may adopt once we’ve moved (can’t you just tell that i loveee parenthesis)). It’s got a nice view and great ventilation… I will post pictures once it starts looking like a real home

On Friday we were given the keys and Saturday was spent cleaning the walls (when they made the ceilings it spotted the kitchen and bathroom here and there) and Sunday was spent planning how we are going to build our own wardrobe

We still haven’t got electricity or gas… but electricity is installed in a few hours and gas I’m not really sure…

I’m exited… I love going every day and leaving new things there and I definitely love seeing my future come together before my eyes

new challenges

so… it’s been way too long since I’ve been here… I’ve logged into twitter once in a while, but not enough…

truth is, this year has been terribly sad for me… I’ve been all year waiting for the apartment to be finished and I just got it two days ago (which, YEYYYY but… also, a year worth of wasting my time) and my family situation has gone from bad to worst…

at this very moment, I couldn’t be happier, life has finally been nice to me… karma finally paid back for all the shitty things that happened

We’re moving right after New Year’s but in the meanwhile we are going most days to clean and get out doggie used to the new living situation… The apartment turned out to be gorgeous and the best part: rent free! My parents are giving us the chance to live there for free so that we can buy our own home with time. We are getting married, but we are not sure when yet.

I’m happy but I’ve been miserable this whole time…  but I’m stronger than ever before and that’s what matters

I don’t know what’s in store for me next, but I do know that I’ll get through whatever, with the love of my life by my side

good hair day

sometimes… not often really… you have a great hair day, and people notice it, and point it out… and it makes you feel just great….

 

 

 

and for a minute or two you’re able to forget how bad things are….

you can forget that one member of your family that apparently doesnt feel like coming back home…

you can forget how you broke your dad’s heart by not taking his feelings into account and doing something else than spending time with him…

you can forget how you’re still waiting for the contruction company to finish the builiding you should have moved into in february….

you can forget about all the scary thoughts that are involved with moving out of your home and into a new completely different life where you’re to grow up and get married and be wife

you can forget that friend that has stopped talking to you because of jealousy and what not….

you can forget about not sharing any of this in the internet… because you weren’t able to put this into words… any of these

 

joy of love days 6 and 7

i’m new to this Joy of Love thing, so I didn’t get the first few lessons on my e-mail… also, I kind of suck at following directions and forgot to take more pictures… lucky for me, I was with my fianceé’s family a lot last week, so I got some pics related to the topics

if you want to join Joy of Love, you just have to sign in here, and you’ll recieve a daily e-mail with your prompts for the day

Joy of Love Day 6 (and 7, kind of): who THEY love:

i’ve written before about the joy both he and I find in LM, he’s grown so much into our hearts, and he loves his cousin/god-father so much, both his faces light up when they see each other, it’s magical… Also, they’re the first and last grandson of their family… and, considering the great grand-baby is coming now, they mark a generation, at least that’s how I see it… 22 years appart, but the same generation….

here is Joy of Love Day 7: Generations

a bath

8 days ago I did the unthinkable….

she's saying "oh! I'm not even looking at you"

she has yet to forgive me entirely for this… and has not gone into my bedroom in 8 days (I acted all nice and kidnaped her from my bed to bathe her)

but she smells great….

2011

this year is about to end… and i can’t wait for it to be over already…

to finish this rollercoaster-y year with the correct way my parents seem to both be with some bug which means no New Year party for us, may be…

as you guys know, this year has been both the best and the worst year of my life… i’ve had my heart broken into smaller, but stronger pieces, and i have had my heart rejoiced and renewed by the loveliest man on earth… I’ve lost some friends along the way, and I gained a few others… I came to decisions about my life that were life altering and that are still going on… I’ve lost three quarters of the weight I had, and I’m still finding “me” in this body…

I can only wish for this New Year to bring me more challenges, more happiness and more sadness, more resolutions, more work, more trouble…

I wish for this new year to be full.

Work, Love and Health… that’s what I want for everyone I love (and not)

 

Goodbye 2010, you wont be missed at all…

I wellcome you 2011, you can’t be that much worse

the day after

apparently christmas has been rough for my kitty… she was approximately 10 hours sleeping this morning…

 

(U)

that day, they trashed her wishes and she tried ignoring it…

the next day, she pretended everything was ok, and decided it was nothing… then, he didnt mention the thing…

for days she locked herself up in a cage, thinking that it was virtually possible not to feel…

then… it hit her… nothing was happening, not feeling was impossible…

and today she cries for silly things… she thinks that it’ll never happen, she hates those who did not support her at first, she loathes to think of the people who, as she had done, said nothing about the matter at all…

she wants to leave this place… she wants to escape, and go back to who she was not long ago… she wants to leave everything behind….

but she just can’t… she’s too madly in love with him, no matter what.. she is trying to get her to leave her, but that ain’t gonna happen… he just loves her too much…. she feels ungrateful for being such a demanding person, for not feeling his love, for blaming it all on him…

there was a reason for her being a free spirit, she hated feeling her heart being broken… and for some reason, it now is…